Crystal ball

November 4, 2010

What the future holds….

Where has the time been going? Flying by when you over commit yourself!

Five months old. I cannot believe I have five month old, giggly, chunky mommy wanting babies. This is when I find babies intoxicating- something about them responding to you, laughing & discovering the world is priceless! It makes me crazy enough to think I may not be done having kids…. Think again. All I have to do is try to take all three out in public or have a night like Monday night. Thank you universe.

Monday seemed like an ordinary day- maybe the new normal for us?

I worked a 12 hour shift Sunday night at Kaiser- it was very “un kaiser like”- super busy & we were short staffed. After my shift I drove straight to Loma Linda for about three hours to complete the papers & training things that I have missed since March. I managed to keep my eyes open through it & the educator helped me get through most of it quickly!

I think it is needless to say that I was exhausted. Keeping in mind work tired & taking care of kids tired is very different. I went home & slept for few or 5 hours. I had a Statistics midterm the next day that I had done nothing in preparation to ace. Now one thing I have learned in Graduate school- when you have an open note exam it is usually a few steps up on the difficult scale. (True to my expectations it was)!

Now for Monday night after attempting to study or make some notes- I was fast asleep by 11pm. Turns out I would be up several times throughout the evening. The first was when Justin woke me up because Carter had peed in our bed. He took the sheet off & went to sleep in another bed! Oh well. I am not exerting any more effort than I need to than throwing a towel down and getting Carter clean jammies. Fall back asleep effortlessly. Then I hear a noise- wait I hear two noises, hungry babies at three am? WTH? I thought we were passed this?! Of course the night before a test right? It would not happen any other way. Got each of them fed, changed & back down by three thirty. Whew. Back to sleep, or so I thought! Carter wakes up again because he wet the bed AGAIN! This time I remove the old towel, the under spot is sorta dry, get clean jammies and try to avoid the wet spot from the first pee through. Rolling in wet pee at night is the worst! Especially is it is not yours!

Heidi is up again- she cannot be hungry? No, she just needed to puke. How I was nuzzling her as I picked her up, the puke landed mostly in my hair. No way am I showering at this hour- I am so tired I just want to cry. A wet washcloth wash does the trick for the ick factor until tomorrow. The smell factor is not even a consideration at this point.

Fast forward to like two hours later when everyone is up & so cheery for the day.Can’t we rotate the bad nights & mornings? Just one kid at a time? I have to study & make notes at some point today. I hate going into something feeling unprepared. It stresses me out; I am way too controlling to just not be ready.

Tuesday morning the cleaning lady shows up. Great. (Don’t get me wrong- I would drown in filth if she did not sweep & mop and clean the bathrooms. I don’t do it at all anymore. I would give up cable, internet & my cell phone before I would let her go).

Got to get all three kids out o the house. Barbara to the rescue, (insert superhero music here). Problem is that a prolonged outing needs at least two to three adults to manage. So Barnes & Noble it is- I am delirious enough to think that I can actually study there. That same delirious woman thought it was okay to let Carter skip his nap too! I was just setting myself up for a disaster- but in desperation I attempted it! I think at this point we all know how it turned out- Carter throwing the biggest fit that lead me to carrying him out sideways while he kicked and screamed. Had to have my friend drive my stroller out and load up car while trying to force the temper tantrum-throwing toddler in the car seat. Amazing how they can get so stiff so you cannot buckle them!

I was so mad that on the way home Carter told me he wanted me to leave him there and I told him that would be fine; I would just leave him on the freeway. He asked where did I mean. I said right here, I won’t even stop. You can jump out.

I am horrible I know. He got really quiet.

Since then he keeps asking me if I am going to leave him on the road.

I feel rotten for that but I was so mad at the whole situation- I could have thrown a temper tantrum myself. If every time when I was tired, felt overwhelmed or maxed to the limit I could just kick and scream that things did not go the way I wanted- it would feel good, then I could nap afterwards. Nothing would change though & I would just be a really lame adult. Shoot. Need a better way I guess than threatening to leave my toddler on the freeway.

I saw a Mom of twins at the store at that point too- All I could do was stare, because the horrid realization of twin two year olds was sinking in- I just knew one day that would be me. One child kicking and screaming on the ground- banging her head refusing to leave, the other running off in the other direction out of eye sight with the mom threatening to leave them both! That is so going to be me- I am sure leaving the bookstore I looked that stressed & ridiculous too. She looked like she was about to cry. All anyone did was stare. I should have helped her chase a child & told her I fell your pain- you are doing the best you can! Aren’t we all?