Crazy talk

SO much has been going on lately- at least in my head…

I have this big problem letting things go. It’s hard, especially when it is just with in your grasp.

Everyone keeps telling me I am crazy. Why?

I have three kids and a strange addiction to school or something.

Why bother? I need to consider my husband is a resident, trying to take the second most important board exam ever, and will be moving away for a whole year for his fellow ship, with out us? I haven’t even really thought about what that means… I think it will suck but we have come so far with his school- namely 8 years, the last one (his fellowship) is the cherry on top.

I so desperately want to do the CRNA program this fall, the first year it opens at LLU. Why? It’s not for the money. I already have a few degrees. I am almost done with another masters program I want to drop out of. I SHOULD just be dying to stay at home hanging with my 3 kids. I feel like if I do not take this opportunity now it won’t be there another year. Will I even get accepted then? One more year off would be a lot better but…what is the “but”? Maybe I am insane.

Other regular working people just don’t know the sacrifice of your spouse to the profession of medicine. It is easy to get caught up in the MODE.

Take that back, other wives of resident physicians locked into working full time to put their husbands through could identify in this unique situation. People always want to know how we do it. We just do, we made choices before kids, before house, before life approaching our 30’s. We now are almost there, no sense in stopping our ambition now, or is there- at least for me. There is the struggle. I have to bridle this ambition, make myself desire to be at home more.

It is the right decision, not the one I want to make right now, even with 3 kids. There I said it. I am not a good stay at home Mom, I don’t get the same thrill out of it. I love my kids like crazy, I just want an out of home life too, only a little though, not full time, just when I want to work. Sounds pretty demanding huh? What a brat. Who doesn’t want that? That is actually a possibility for me too in the near future but I want to go to school still. Just for an awesome part time-ish job outside of home to play around with and do cool things.

I thought I learned this lesson about cherishing time and standing still. I am just so dang impatient. I want what I want when I want it. Sounds like a toddler I know? Lame thing is that I am an adult, aren’t I supposed to be over these things! Sigh. Can’t shake this disappointment. Lord help me, no really I mean it. It is not fair to my babies. I need to SIMMER DOWN.