Invisible Mommy

November 19, 2010

I was just watching house hunters while rocking Garrett. There was a giggly gay couple looking for their first house. They were arguing over a price point and talking about keeping their clothes separate so one of them quits wearing the others clothes. They have chickens ad other farm animals and are seeking a happy garden to be connected with mother earth. How lovely. Really the only thing I could think of while watching that was the thought of Justin wearing my clothes, it made me laugh.

Then I thought how simple of a life- wanting a garden and no one wearing your clothes. How do you get such a simple uncomplicated life? Can I ask Santa for one?

Not much new around here except a little more chaos has been added to the mix with me TRYING to juggle two part time-ish jobs working night shift, school and paying attention to my children. I’ve got to give something up. I cannot decide which? A job? School? My kids (just kidding, they are not in the give up pile)!

We play the same juggle every day; Justin & I do the kid hand off thing and pass each other by like strangers in the night. I feel like we just coexist right now. He has been working so hard lately, applying for fellowships & working on other projects.
I miss him being at home at night. What am I saying- I am not home at night! Trying to do so much leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I am not really doing an amazing job at one of the things- just an okay job at all of them. It makes me crazy; it’s that whole controlling perfectionist thing! I am so much more impatient and frustrated now that I work nights. I am not good night shifter- I do not recover well! Every night at 4am I want to fall over! Coffee helps sometimes, I guess it depends on the amount of sleep I had….

So today I took my little Garrett to the doctor’s office because he has been sick for 9 days & started a temp last night with some mild retractions and nighttime wheezing. The whole time we are in the doctor’s office he didn’t cough once- of course! Don’t you hate that? How the kids are cured when they are being examined? Heidi got her RSV vaccine & Carter fell off a chair that he was spinning around in. oops. I did this by myself. When we checked in I realized I did not have my debit card, I left it in my scrubs. No big deal they can bill for my co-pay! As we were going to the pharmacy I found out that they did not take checks or American express. Looked in my wallet- $4.00. Nice. The Xopenex for Garrett’s nebulizer was $40.00 & his antibiotics were $15.00. Good thing I had four dollars to pay for the chips Carter helped himself to while I was digging in my bag! So I push my huge double stroller that kept getting stuck in the doorway back to the car and tried to figure out what to do? As I was contemplating how I was going to get his meds the staff at the Doctors office was leaving for the day. They asked if everything was ok. Carter told the Doctor that we didn’t have any money for the medicine.

I could have died. I was so embarrassed. I may as well have started asking people for money as they walked by! Could you imagine- me with my 3 kids on the side of the road bumming money for medicine?

Okay, a little too dramatic (I know)! So the doctor lent me $25 bucks. Back to pharmacy. Meds won’t be ready for another hour. Shouldn’t have taken the money after all. Back to car, load kids. Carter starts screaming that he has to poop and it is coming out of his bum. I seriously contemplated letting him poop his pants and cleaning it up at home. What was I thinking? Why did I go alone? Will I ever learn? Unload kids and try to find a bathroom that my giant deluxe doublewide stroller can fit through the door. Carter makes it to bathroom with clean underwear, poops in toilet & makes it back to car.

Today I felt like the invisible Mom, I am out of mommy super powers.

I wanted to recharge...

I just wanted my husband to be at home in the middle of the day to help with a baby, or even hang out with, that I needed to study so I don’t flunk statistics, that I needed a nap, some quiet time to fold laundry or clean the house.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t like being last.

I know being a Mom that is the role we gladly accept but I would just like a few minutes to soak in a tub or wander around a store or even do chores in quiet.

I’m jut asking for a few minutes to eat, pee and sleep uninterrupted! Maybe that is what I can ask Santa for! I can hope for a miracle!