New Era

October 7, 2010

I have entered an era in my life where I am supposed to be running to complete the race but I cannot move. I am frozen with indecision.

Who is this person? Where did this frazzled, disorganized very tired & clueless woman emerge?

I have a horrible feeling that she is here to stay for a while. Lets get to know her a little shall we?

She is an insomniac. Maybe because her small toddler some how takes up an entire California king sized bed by himself? He also manages to use both her pillows and wedge himself in the crook of her neck all night. It is a modern day mystery- the bigger the bed the less room for mommy.

This woman likes online shopping (a new very bad but oh so fun habit) . This woman’s 3 year old knows the UPS delivery guy (we shall call him Phil), by name. Let’s not forget his brother the Fed Ex guy Larry…

This woman is feeling the effects of nearing her 30’s. Experiencing carpal tunnel syndrome from burping & feeding babies, having baby holding elbow pains & lower back pains from hunching over to change diapers. She is not as strong or fit as she used to be & that is okay.

She is really understanding for the first time in her life how quickly time goes by & the consequences of her choices.

That it is okay to think this is so incredibly hard. She understands that being sort of insane right now is okay too. That it is part of having small children- it may be the only way to survive!

Really each day brings new emotions, challenges & lessons to be learned.

She is learning to let go of (or at least trying) things that are not important, like her weight or her house being clean.

This time around she takes extra time to play with her babies.

She enjoys the little moments that are vanishing into thin air & soon will be forgotten.

She is learning about other people too- that there are many ways to live a life whether or not it is for me…

She realizes that her husband is her best friend, and as said before knows her better than she knows herself.

That it is okay to let the immature uncle & his girlfriend take your toddler to Disneyland for the whole day because it tires him out & he falls fast asleep as soon as he lays down! (Selfish motivation in saying yes to the outing)

That some of that toddler’s curiosity is proportionate to his level of intelligence (he must be a genius then).

That he just cannot contain himself sometimes- like when I said yes to Disney- ley-land (as he calls it) he jumped off the stairs and propelled himself into the wall, smacking his forehead very hard. Poor kid.

She rejoices when he came home that the first person he asked for was mommy. He wanted to share his cotton candy with me & then made me promise not to eat it when he went to bed (knows me too well).

She really knows that God has blessed her beyond anything she would give herself & the things that I used to value have changed. I get it now. She got it all along. Maybe it is good for her to stick around to remind the obsessive part of me to cool it and take a seep breath (or ten).