The "Wash"

September 1, 2010

Dear Laundry, Dishes & Bottoms-

There is a misunderstood phenomenon in the universe called laundry. The smaller the person the more laundry they create (exponentially of course).

How can this be you say?

They have created these wonderful industrial strength washers and dryers that can do 3 loads in one? Special, more concentrated detergents and even sheets that prevent you from having to sort colors & whites (yeah right).

The results of these intended laundry reducers- three times as much laundry! Ugh! Why does the thought and sight of it make me want to have a temper tantrum?

There are three little people’s items occupying my washer continuously, and some how they never have clean clothes, blankets and burp rags. Where does this wash come from? Where does it go? Certainly not from me, nor do I reap the benefits of clean clothes.

We all know I wear the same spit up clad jammies for several days in a row, and that I don’t wash my clothes until I run out of clean underwear.

Justin gets his scrubs clean from the machine at work, so none of them are his; clean underwear for him is optional (just kidding)

So how is it that I have five large baskets of laundry waiting to be folded, two loads waiting to be washed and one load in the dryer?

It is a mystery. It makes me want to sob uncontrollably every time I pour soap and fabric softener in the washer, knowing that there will be another load to do when I come upstairs again. Sigh…

Dishes (essentially bottles because I never cook anymore, our food comes from garbage friendly wrappers)

Wash the dishes, dry the dishes, can I throw the dishes away? (Ole)

I have many bottles for the babies who each were on different formulas, Heidi had to have rice cereal in hers, different nipples and different color inserts so I could tell the difference.

I need a degree just to mix their bottles, & keep track of meds (oh wait…)

I spend a good half hour three times a day washing bottles and mixing formula. Then when I open the fridge- they are all gone? Already time to wash more? My goodness!

Another never ending “washing” is that of the bottoms- No matter how clean they are after their bath someone manages to explode or vomit, requiring another washing up to 3 times a day (that is my bath limit for babies)

Add a toddler that needs to wash his hands fifty times a day for no reason (plus the reasons to wash his hands one hundred times a day), joyfully smearing soap on the mirrors, counter & any other hard surfaces that appeal to him

+ Constantly touches gross things =wash

+ Draws on himself with marker =wash

+ Not mastering the art of food in mouth (not on body) =wash

All the results add up to more washing of some body part or surface

So the really important question here is how is it that I spend most of my day washing something but cannot manage to squeeze in a shower and wash myself?

Substantial reward offered for solving this mystery of the “wash” from every mother in America, especially if that solution includes daily shower privileges.