Trying not to be green

September 16, 2010

Courtesy of criminal minds quotes:

“The house does not rest upon the ground, but upon a woman" –Mexican proverb

Frustrated. I envy the freedom that Justin has- to just sit and read a book while I tear around the house trying to remember to accomplish the million things that NEED to be done. The tasks in my head are running around in circles, I can’t make it stop to lie down and go to sleep.

He also gets to go out of town twice next month for fours days at a time for work. Stay in a quiet hotel, sleep all night long & just relax. All expenses paid for because of the research he has published. How does he have time to be so efficient? Publish research? I cant even shower everyday yet he finds time to be so amazing. Not fair. (Yes I really said that)

Not gonna lie- a little jealous. It’s not his fault.

It is what it is ( motto courtesy of my amazing OBGYN).

I am woman hear me roar. I miss freedom. I miss efficiency. I miss working (a little bit). I miss feeling that I am good at something and I have made a difference. A friend said something to me last week when we were discussing having more than one child. She said that you never realize how easy one child was until you have more. Yep. I am stretched to my limits right now. I am trying my best.

Before you think I am loathing motherhood…

I know that the biggest impact I will ever have been on the lives of my children.

It just is difficult. Boo-hoo.

How do I make Carter understand that jumping off the entertainment center is dangerous? How do I not get irritated when Carter tells me he wants me to go back to work and he will live with his nana? Ugh.

There is a flip side too.

How is it that such strong emotions at opposite ends of the spectrum are possible towards your children & role as a mom?

How can it be the thing you love being the most & your biggest bone of contention?

The joy I get out of watching Carter clap his hands and proclaim at the top of his lungs in the post office “yeah good job” towards himself for having good behavior.

He is so enthusiastic. He loves excitement. He can’t sit still. (Sound familiar)?

Or when the little guy is trying to get me to buy him more cars and tells me “We can buy it and put it in my secret stash”!

(He knows about our secret stash of cars planned for Christmas)

The little guy that brands himself with band aids wants to fix Heidi’s owie (a scratch on her forehead) by giving her the best McQueen band aid in the pack.

Or the unspeakable joy I get from that little boy playing in my makeup drawer (telling me he had it first & I wasn’t using it, ha-ha) telling me he is pretending to be a mommy because mommy is so fun to play with.

The biggest laughs are from the little boy making up stories about being a flying racecar running around the house nude with a cape.

Lets not forget the explanation Carter gave me when I found he had peed in the trash can (right next to the toilet) “Mom, I was just pretending it was the toilet. Ahhh, won’t that be cool”?

I finally realized while the children are young that those ordered parts of the universe are a thing of the past, they may never make a come back. But I still try. I try to make sure it all runs smooth- all the while wanting to scream because it is such a comical disaster. I just have to squeeze in what I can- washing the bottles & making the pitchers of formula at 1 am after Garrett is fed. Go lay down for 30 minutes just to get up & feed Heidi. Get Heidi back down only to sleep for one hour- then Garrett needs to eat.

I want a ROUTINE! It is just not feasible at this point. What is feasible is just riding out the chaos until it calms down. What I need to figure out is how to let it go & just go with the flow.