September 24, 2010
Imaginary friends & the battle of wills
I wonder exactly what goes through Carter’s mind. He has invented a crew of imaginary friends. He named two of these friends J. Low & Chalkala. Where he came up with them I will never know (I do not like J. Lopez at all)- I laughed when he told me their names. He asked me if they were funny names or just okay for the people.
According to Carter J. Low is his girl, & Chalkala is the bad girl who got a bad owie & went to the hospital. J. Low doesn’t have a daddy, but has a baby & will be coming to our house to live for 30 minutes, after our nap.
He talks about how they play & what their behavior is like (good or bad). He has two boy imaginary friends – pip (I think from Stella Luna) & Ray. They are small enough to fit in his hands and be carried around. We have to be careful not to squish them. They require a lot of their own space to not be smashed J
Each day he comes up with new scenarios involving him & his friends. Today they went to visit Sampson & knocked the lion over.
Honestly I cannot remember all of them but while he is elaborating on their adventures it always makes me laugh.
He keeps me young & vibrant on those days, maybe trying to make up for how much I age on the other days when we struggle with “wills.”
I have been trying so hard lately to get him to listen to me & I try to follow through (on my most of the time empty threats). It is just easier to ignore him when he is defiant than to address every little thing he is doing wrong. We would fight all day long. I would not be able to enjoy him.
The problem is that since I am the parent it is my job to teach him accountability & enforce boundaries. Not my job to enjoy him & be on his good side.
He tests me on EVERYTHING, and I mean everything.
He has really started to talk back & find new ways to break the rules thinking that I do not notice.
Tonight he kept doing front flips on the couch, which is a no-no. It got ugly- he looked at me flat out & said no I not Mom, I am just going to do it. Wow. Pretty bold kid.
Who can allow for that obvious disobedience? We have been trying to teach him what it means to obey & why we need him to listen to mommy & daddy but it is just not sticking.
He either does not get it or he just wants to do what he wants (probably both).
His will is so strong & I have to show him that mine is stronger & that we set the rules. He tries to run our house. He has on some occasions.
It is very difficult thing to do consistently because it is so exhausting. I should be up for the challenge since I never like to take the easy way out of anything.
I always choose the path of most resistance.
I am positive that my eldest son is afflicted with the same character tendencies. If they are not channeled properly then I worry what his life will be like, what kind of man he will turn into.
He knows how to be very charming and get people to do what he wants.
It’s dangerous.
I want him to have a strong will for God, not his selfish desires.
He toughs out all the consequences I give so far.
I think I have taken away all his toys, spanked his butt, enforced a no TV law etc.
He tries to tell me that I am not listening when I do not do what he wants me to. He tries to threaten me with punishments. I was holding both the babies in the family room, trying to settle them down ( I was alone with all three of the kids that day).
He told me to listen to him, demanded that I play with him. If I did not listen then he was going to take those babies back to the hospital (much like returning toys to the store? Guess I cant use that one anymore) He then said “there is your warning mom, I will take them out of your arms right now, and do you understand me? Put them down, I mean it!”
It leaves me speechless sometimes. I’m not supposed to laugh. I am supposed to come up with something better. I just have to get really creative I guess?
After this huge melt down & fit throwing He was screaming in his room & went to slam the door. I told him if he did then Nana would not come upstairs to say goodnight. He paused & then walked over to the bed. (Phew, mommy 1 Carter 0… or so I thought).
He started screaming. I calmly walked into his room again & told him that if he kept screaming & woke Heidi & Garrett up that he was getting a spanking & no toys would be earned back for a week. (He doesn’t know how long a week is but knows by my tone that it is not a favorable outcome).
I leave. I hear screaming bloody murder about an owie. I return to investigate. He told me that he bit his finger. I asked him why. He said, “ So I could scream because I got an owie.” Seriously?! He bit his own finger thinking he could get away with what he wanted! Anyone else have a challenging child like this? Any ideas? I don’t want to break his spirit but I want to help him understand.
I do know that a lot of prayer is warranted in my dealing with him & trying to raise him to be a god fearing, loving, hard working person.
Then I reflect on the positive moments of the day. I see the most amazing little boy who is helpful, gentle & obedient. Who tells his sister not to be upset that he will pick her up? He makes up songs to get the twins to stop crying. He tries to share his toys with them. He worries about what will scare them.
And then
He is always so independent it throws me off when he acts like he wants his mommy. He tells me as I am going to take care of the babies at bedtime that he is a baby too, & I need to take care of him. That he misses me, could I rock him?
That stuff just pulls at my heart in the worst way, leaves me doubting my firm approach with him, trying to remember that he is only three. Do I expect too much out of him?
2 comments:
Oh Laura I feel for you girlie. I remember those days. They do get better. I remember several nights going to bed and crying my eyes out to Steve, telling him I just can't do this that I'm tired of spanking, time outing, grounding, yelling and fighting with my heart (Hudson). Steve told me that thats when most parents throw their hands up and say I'm done, and thats when people give up and to just keep giving it our all. It killed me to watch him cry to have to be follow through, and I always would take a look at myself and say what am I doing, am I not spending enough time with him, am I expecting to much, am I just exhausted and out of patience. Terrible twos are hard but the trying threes to me are harder. They are wanting and beginning to be more independent, but they are still wanting to be your baby too. You are no longer the apple of their eye, because they are getting their own free will. The things that worked best for Hudson and still do are a focus on more positive reinforcements. Like a good chart. He is three so keep it simple. We would have a chart where if we noticed good behavior (its so much harder to look at the good behavior because the negative stands out so much more) example saying please and thank you, keeping an inside voice, helping with the babies, etc. then he could put a sticker on a piece of paper for each time he got caught being good. Then at the end of the day he could pick something off the reward chart (for getting 3 stickers). Since he can't read you could draw pictures of the rewards. Examples of rewards are picking something from the treasure box (this would have small things he enjoys: new bathtub toy, candy, new car), give him a dollar, happy meal, pick out a movie, you know him best just try to think of small things you can do and get that you can handle. You still have to deal with bad behavior, its still going to be there. Hopefully he will start seeing that a smile, hug, and a treat for good behavior is much better then the getting in trouble. Something we always have done also is like yesterday Hailey got hurt outside I asked Hudson to go inside and get her an icepack, he came outside 5 minutes later with a drink, nerf gun, a car (all for himself) and a icepack. I looked at him and said that he needed to go to his room and think about how he should of handled this (a time out) 10 minutes later I called him out and I asked him why he was sent to his room. He told me because Hailey was hurt and I took my time and did what I wanted rather then taking care of her first. He had also wrote Hailey a VERY sweet sorry letter. When he does something make sure he understands why he is in trouble and what your expectations are. Being a GOOD parent is hard. You are doing great. Hang in there, I will be praying for you. Jill
Totally agree with your friend... my troubles may not be as extensive - or as creative - or as articulate as Carter; but the good chart really made progress with Jacob as well. And I know there's not enough time in the day, or week, or ever... but if you could somehow spend a 1 on 1 time with Carter; he would much appreciate it. You are one tough mama & doing great! I applaud your stamina! The light at the end of the tunnel; at the end of the day Carter knows there is no punishment, no timeout, no spanking that occurs without love - he knows you love him unconditionally; that's why he's tests you; & he loves you just the same. ;)
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