Reality....

August 12, 2010

Disclaimer- complaints to follow

So with just Carter I thought I had things all figured out. Easy. No problem.

I worked a demanding full time job, had a per diem job on the side, went to school part time for my master’s in nursing, worked out daily so I fit perfectly in my size 6 Hudson jeans, & kept my house clean in between the wonderful cleaning ladies that came once a month for that deep clean. And lets not forget about volunteering in Carter’s Sabbath school class.

Thinking about it I make myself laugh. Who did I think I was?

SUPERWOMAN!?! Ha-ha..

Here comes reality.

It smacked me in the face and knocked me on my a$$...

Life was out to teach me a few lessons…

Now I have no clue how I will take care of critically ill patients for the minimum of three 12 hour shifts when I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK, while my husband finishes residency.

The thought makes me nauseous.

I can’t even remember to mail a phone bill off let alone titrate drips or be organized enough to remember medication compatibilities.

SCHOOL- forget it.

The past goals of “bettering” my mind are a distant memory- I would rather sleep than write a paper on nursing theory. No thanks.

Maybe it could cure my newfound insomnia when apparently my body thinks 4 hours of sleep is plenty.

Goodbye size six jeans. Good-bye flat stomach.

This belly is here to stay. No amount of bikini-clad magazines could even tempt me to work out at this point. No arm flab busting secrets or cellulite elimination techniques could motivate me at this point.

The good Lord probably gets a kick out of me.

Probably the reason he blessed me with twins. Maybe trying teach me something that I am still not getting. It is probably so obvious that I try to do too much. (duh). And I just can’t do it all, but that never until now has stopped me from trying.

I feel the pressure of needing to be everything to everyone. It is foolish but I have this idea in my head of what it is supposed to be like (see introductory paragraph).

I just cannot be that person anymore. This part is about survival. About loving my babies while they are at home to love. I don’t want to regret this- filling up my time with the lame stuff and losing out on the good stuff. I just don’t know how.

I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life.

I watch my little Carter trying so hard to make sense of things too in this crazy upheaval since we had the twins. He is trying so hard to fit into the new picture.

Last night he was telling me all about his owies. He fell off his new bike with training wheels and scraped his shoulder really bad. He was explaining to me the value of band-aids. He then explained that he had an owie in his mouth and Justin gave him a band-aid to place wherever he wanted.

He put it over his mouth and then tried to explain why.

Where is my band-aid, the band-aid to make the world right for my babies & family?

I just want someone to tell me the answers.

I want the instruction manual on balancing life & motherhood. I will preorder my copy thank you, I will even forgo the coupons.