Great Expectations

August 18, 2010

Great Expectations…

While Heidi was in the NICU my mother-in-law and I made her hair bows to help her to look like a little girl & distract from the wires & such. Some nights in the early months (what am I saying- it has only been almost 3 MONTHS?) in between feeds we would make hair bows for Heidi.

Well if any of you have met my awesomely creative mother-in-law she takes everything over the top times ten. She is so creative- you should see the bows she is making now with tulle and fabric. IT is ridiculous.

We started a business called Beads, Buttons & Bows to sell said hair bows.

I have quit making them now because I am temporarily unavailable in zombie land. So we sold said hair bows at market night in Beaumont on Tuesday.

These things are amazing- we have a lot of inventory & now I am exploiting my mother in laws talents & opening an Etsy shop online. I have not posted any inventory at this time because, well…

My whole dining room is converted into a workshop, it makes me crazy. I need order somewhere!

This woman that I love to pieces & could not survive right now without makes me a little irritated.

She is mother earth & I am not.

She is so patient and good with my babies it almost bothers me. I want to cry over it. I want to be like her.

When I always thought of being a Mom I had that damn picture in my mind about what I wanted to do with my kids, how I wanted to be.

I have a few more pieces of my Mom than I want- even some of the not so good ones creeping in.

She had seven children in 10ish years & 11 grandkids she doesn’t know.

We had an insane childhood, some things really screwed up.

Just like the rest of the world, blah, blah, blah.

Justin’s mom has really been that kind of supportive Mom to me- helping me navigate this insanity, helping me manage the daily tasks, making sleep possible. Bless her.

I told her when she was old that I would take care of her.

For me to say that is like telling someone you would give him or her a kidney. I really don’t like caring for the elderly. (Peds ICU nurse speaking).

The truth is in all of this is that I am struggling. This frustrates me so much that I cannot do it alone or even really do it.

That sucks. The whole reality thing I mean.

I hate it. Once again- today I feel like crying. I know it is just because of the night I had last night- Heidi’s apnea monitor kept going off- not because of apnea but it kept beeping indicating the cord was disconnected. It kept waking both of them up. I wanted to slam that thing against a wall after the 100^th siren.

In my better judgment (or desperation hmmm) I turned it off and held her in a semi awake state (probably still a bad idea).

I despise that semi state I have to exist in- its too foggy.

Justin says I need to adjust my expectations in this situation.

He is always so pragmatic, and more than I like to admit it- right, especially about me. That sucks too.

Where do I adjust these expectations to?- to quit trying so hard? I have no clue.

I am way too controlling. The universe is not cooperating right now in my attempts for domination. Darn. Maybe tomorrow reality will take a break and I can fill in.