Sad pockets & mad toes

January 7, 2011

Carter told me last night

“Mom here is your last chance. I am just sad in my pockets and mad in my toes, I am not doing anything okay.”

I think that will be my new motto when things don’t work out the way I want.

I am totally bummed right now about school. The CRNA (Nurse anesthesia) program is opening this fall at LLU. I totally want to go; no in fact it would be my perfect choice for a career. I set up this whole plan two years ago when I was trying to get pregnant. I was going to have one more child, and then when it was time for the program to start my 1 baby would be over a year old.

Ha-ha, see how those crazy plans work out? I’m telling ya God laughs at me sometimes because I am so controlling and obsessed with my planner.

I wish it were enough for me not to want to go to school. I wish that I didn’t even want to do anything but stay home with my kids (which is the most difficult job). The truth- here it is- I am a generic modern momma who wants a little bit of it all.

I want to be the best Mom, have a killer part time-ish job, be presentable, and have a nice home, blah blah blah.

The list could be found in any magazine.

Really I am not special, I am just a product of my crazy modern woman syndrome.

I have to tell myself to simmer down, to step back and realize what my choices mean to my family.

I could do CRNA at the expense of my kids and Justin.

I think I have finally learned to consider a few things before jumping in and trying to do everything.

I keep hoping my disappointment in failed plans, sad pockets, and mad toes will fade soon.

The only place I am not replaceable is to my children. I know I will not get this time back, that this is crucial to their whole life…. I just need to get over it.

A very hard lesson for me is being content.

I have a lot to be content about, really a disproportionate share to be exact.

It is not quite the end of the world as I can probably pursue it in a few years. I wish it weren’t so hard to make the right choice; I wouldn’t have to keep reminding myself of the right choice.

I guess that is how you know you are putting aside your own selfish desires for others, even though you may not give it up so easily….